two weeks back kirby's car broke down and i was forced home for the week as he took our van back and forth to work each day. i was a bit excited at first... like it was some funny experiment to see what we would do for the week, forced home. i mean, really, what would we do?
usually the week consists of flip-flopping between being home, going out, seeing friends, running errands, and (lately) me obsessing about developing some semblance of a routine, and not quite knowing how to find it.
for me, being a stay at home mom can feel a bit muddy at times. sometimes there are plans for the day, places to be and appointments to keep. other days are wide open... i wake up and instantly begin to think of the laundry list of "coulds" for the day- finishing those reading pillows for the girls room, finally cleaning the crusty stove, seeing a friend, weeding a patch of the garden, blowing off everything and spending the day at a museum. and, truthfully, this often times leads to me milling about or starting a job and stopping it to go to another. thinking always about what should be happening that maybe isn't and if the kids would be better off if we had done this thing instead. at 3 o'clock when i am finally brushing my teeth i look at myself and ask for the 3 billionth time, "what are you doing??"
i really believe that being here with them is the very best thing i could possibly be doing with my time... but it is daunting at times to think that all these things are in my hands... house, kids, meals, chickens. from the hours of 8 to 6 they are mine. and often i wonder if i am really doing what i should with all of it. especially when you look out from a mound of laundry at kids with saggy diapers and it's 4 o'clock and who knows what we are going to eat for dinner.
so back to the week where i had no car... we were stuck.
and do you know what happened when we got stuck?
we were happy. the laundry was done, the house was tidy, the meals were made, PEOPLE TOOK NAPS!, we spent time outside, we read together, we even took (get ready for it) a nature walk... collecting interesting things we discovered along they way and an hour while baby slept was spend identifying and sketching out our finds together. i was really doing it. i was on fire!
best of all, i was (mostly) a calm, soft spoken, listening, hearing, creative, thorough and understanding mama. why?
no place to be, no rushing out the door, no frantic "WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES AND WHY IS YOUR DIAPER OFF???"
there were moments. moments where i felt the edge a'comin. but they did not grow strong and they did not take over.
i found freedom. mental, emotional, freedom in the middle of the stuckness that would drive many (even me, i thought) crazy.
and so goes another check on the list of ironies that is motherhood.
the happiest, most delightful week we have had in a long time was forced on us by the absence of a car.
when did cars become such big deals anyway?
homemaker, baby haver, meal maker, laundry doer, chicken feeder, kid kisser, hair brusher, story teller, walk taker, life lover. i am a free woman.