Thursday, October 30, 2014

Kirby’s v chill halloween 2014 preview

Editors note: The usual author of this blog is currently on a leave of absence to binge on sleep and egg mcmuffins. As a result, she asked me to guest post for an entire 30 days. 
She will realize a) seemingly this was a bad idea and b) she'll need to take back control after this post.

Halloween is my second favorite holiday. It's not as good as Christmas but a little bit better than the 4th of J. Thanksgiving is clearly the worst because turkey isn't good (You disagree? Name one restaurant in L.A. that serves turkey). I enjoy Halloween because it’s funny. Everyone has a sense of humor on October 31st. Two years ago my father in law, Ken, was distributing candy on our front porch. An 8 year old asked him if he was dressed up like Albert Einstein (Ken was not dressed up other than his usual business casual self). We both looked at each other and the kid walked away.

This post is divided up into two sections: Stuff about Halloween that might be true and stuff about Halloween that is definitely true.

The soft whispers of candy corn (alt. Stuff that might be true about Halloween)

Thriller by Michael Jackson is THE Halloween song. I know this and you know I even asked this old guy in Starbucks other day what his favorite Halloween song was. He just looked at the ground, and then whispered, “Thriller”. Here’s my question: Was it written with the intent of it being a Halloween song? Did Quincy Jones and Michael Jackson realize there was NO Halloween song so they wrote it for this reason?

Is Candy Corn primarily made up of wax? A few years ago I heard one of the ingredients was wax. Never really looked into it and now I just assume it's true.

Harvest Festivals w/ Josh Harnett (alt. Stuff that is definitely true about Halloween)

1) Halloween H20 is a great movie.

This conversation happened last week:
Me: “we should watch Halloween H20 this week”
Blythe: “Yeah! We actually own it on VHS”
Me: “Really? VHS?”
Blythe: “Yes, we own a VHS movie.”

Halloween H20 was supposed to be the conclusion of the Halloween series. Basically, the premise of every Halloween movie is that Michael Myers comes back to life to kill a bunch a people, but in the end, he dies. One could compare this plotline to Blythe’s first trimesters, however, instead of Michael Myers killing people, its Blythe eating Egg Mcmuffins. Then, eventually her appetite for egg mcmuffins dies by the 2nd trimester.

Other good points about Halloween H20:

- Josh Harnett’s purposefully messy hair. Could one make the argument that Josh in H20 started the “messy prepster” vibe? It’s seemingly so. I certainly know many buzz bands were inspired by him.

- LL Cool J is in this movie. You guys! LL Cool J is in this freaking movie!

Sadly after all of this, we DIDN’T watch Halloween H20 last week. We were hanging with friends and all decided to watch Are You Afraid of the Dark reruns on YouTube. This was via a family member rumoring that every single episode is now on the internet. Gotta thank the YouTube user “ShelbyWooMysteries” for doing a lot of the grunt work for that. V chill, “ShelbyWooMysteries”.

2) "The human mind gets distracted." 

I think that’s an Einstein or Abe Lincoln quote. Anyways, Halloween parties not involving children are hilarious to me. Not because older people dressing up is funny but because older people dress up and then forget they are dressed up...and that is funny. Here’s a breakdown of what happens at a Halloween party:

a) A grown up dresses up and enters said party. Everyone laughs at their costume and there are just a bunch of high fives and smiles.
b) Grown up grabs a beer and starts chatting with friends. Friends still laugh a little at friend’s costume.
c) Conversation has lasted for 10-15 minutes but has evolved. How’s the job going? Is your dad still sick? Bummer about the foreclosure…

Hey, this is a fairly normal at parties. Light banter moves into more serious talk.
The only difference is that you are dressed in a costume. You are having a serious conversation dressed as a clown or a spider or Batman.

3) Blythe actually was going to dress like a sexy Ronald Mcdonald this year but decided against it. After looking for inspiration, found this video, and it made here nauseous.

4) My Reddit usage sky rockets during this time of year because of this 

and this

5) Harvest festivals are superfluous. 

One does not celebrate a harvest if one does not even think about a harvest the rest of the year. Here are the only conditions in which someone can attend a harvest festival over trick or treating:

a) One cares so much about the harvest that said person feels the need to celebrate it ie organize a festival

b) You live in the ghetto and houses distribute crack over candy

c) You live in a farming community and you will feel pressure from other farmers if you don’t attend

6) This has nothing to do with Halloween but check it out anyway.

What do u think abt Halloween? R your Halloween's v chill or more like lamester harvest festivals? Do u 'quit reading the internet' when un-chill husbands take over their wives 'mom blogs'?

Since I have 29 (sigh) days to go, what do you want to hear from me?


  1. Ingredients

    Sugar, Corn Syrup, Confectioner's Glaze, Salt, Dextrose, Gelatin, Sesame Oil, Artificial Flavor, Honey, Yellow 6, Yellow 5, Red 3.

    No wax, but I think wax would be better for you than many of these ingredients.

  2. Ha! Loved this. I love the idea of asking a random stranger in Starbuck's what their favorite Halloween song is. In fact I may try it tomorrow.
    You are a kind husband to take over a mommy blog for a month. I don't think my husband would do it. I think he would have his first ever anxiety attack.

  3. Oh good list! I like that the barista whispered.

    Here's a tip: another good song is Imperial Mammoth's "Dance Hall Days". It just sounds melancholy, but if you listen to the lyrics it is a little bit spooky. And if you listen to it endlessly you turn into a Halloween bat and fly around the room for five minutes.

  4. Oh! Wanted to add under 5. d) You struggle with scrupulosity and trick or treat candy. You fear that you that you may enjoy candy too much.

    No suggestions for where to go from here, man. I don't even keep my own blog! Strong start, though!

  5. LL Cool J!!!!!!!!!! Ya boy!
    The only reason I'd watch Halloween H20 again ;)
    I noticed part of him was in the screen clip you used...thank you for that ♡♡♡

  6. Still dying over DumbleDora!! 😂

  7. Fun fact: Every day is Halloween in Santa Barbara. Two local favorites can be found shopping in Ralphs downtown. There's Jesus, an Asian guy with long hair who wears a long white robe and Roman sandals. And the wizard, complete with pointy hat, red/black cape, and wooden staff. You can also find a dude with a long beard and huge leprechaun hat, but he's not as cool because he doesn't really think he's a leprechaun. Blythe may be interested to know that from Nov - Feb, all the women dress up as Cindy Lauper. True story.

    Future posts: Top five most hated sports figures. Things you plan on doing when the children are in bed, or after age 50, whichever comes first.

    1. It must be clarified that this comment was written by Sam under my name.

  8. Would love to here your side of the love story!

  9. I'm definitely going to enjoy the next 29 days.

  10. This is all making me laugh so hard. I doubt Kirby understands the ways of comment commentary (yet)... But I'll make sure he reads all this. Ps sexy Ronald McDonald was a JOKE (but you knew that, right?). Ew.

  11. This is awesome... Blythe- sorry you're feeling crumby. Kirby.... This is the beginning of a great new blogging career for you. Tell us more... Please. Also, Are You Afraid of the Dark. Yes.

  12. Dear Blythe,
    I too am suffering from eggmuffinaholicism. I find myself preferring Starbucks bc their sausage is spicier and the muffin thinner so as not to interfere too much with the fabricated egg taste. From one not-feeling-100 preg to the next.

    Dear Kirby,
    It's good stuff, this.

  13. This had me laughing so hard! Keep it up, Kirby!

  14. Subscribed. This is when I *start* reading the internet.

  15. Halloween is the most awesome of holidays after Christmas (and Easter, although there's a lot of church and lent to get through before Easter arrives.Halloween has no such limitations) Tell Blythe she gets a pass due to morning sickness, but she missed a golden oportunity. Prego costumes are awesome. I've gone as a pregnant belly dancer. It probably wouldn't have been quite so funny if my husband hadn't gone as a nun that year. He didn't bother to shave his beard.

  16. I still want all 29 posts, even though it's now Nov 4th.

  17. this is my favorite blog post i have ever read.

  18. This was so very entertaining. Thank you, Kirby!

  19. LOL The dog photo. That made this post, thank you! (now I want to run out and get two ridiculously cute dogs just so I could dress them in absurd Halloween costumes. But they have to slightly resemble old men with grouchy eyebrows like those dogs do, to make it worth it. Good reason to get dogs? absolutely not. I guess it's good that my apartment doesn't allow for dogs...)


  20. Also, next year Kirby should be George Michael W. Smith.

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