Chirp, chirp. Is anyone out there?
Maybe just one or two.
That's good enough.
I'm sorry that I've been the most MIA blogger to ever come out of Fillmore, CA but the truth of all truths is simply that I am! And I kinda don't know how to not be right now. And for some reason I've convinced myself you all need to hear why which I'm sure is 150% not the case but if a blog is anything to me it's for pointless spewing so I spew I shall. You're welcome in advance.
I had some pretty insightful moments during a nasty fever-filled illness right after the new year. Kind of approp, I suppose... laying in bed, shaking with fever, resolutionless, having profound life-changing thoughts. I even wept at Kirby saying (weeping?) "I...need... to change.... my....life"... to which he sweetly replied with a nod and a my wife is cray when she is sick mental note. (And it's true- I get psycho when I'm ill, but the thoughts turned out to be not psycho and really valuable and here is what they are/were, basically...)
I NEED TO CHANGE MY LIFE.
There. That's it.
But the thing that blew me away and reduced me to sick, fever tears was that I can. I can just do it. All the things I've hoped to improve on and change- better sleep habits, waking up earlier, getting exercise, being more present, being kinder, spending less time with a device in my hand... all of those things I can actually just do. Because, I'm ,like, in charge of myself or something. Of course there will be struggle. Probably even always. But I am tired of pushing off the good things I can just do now.
And when I consider the internet, it more than anything, feels like the odd shaped puzzle piece in the life I want to be living. Because the truth is, I can find time for all those "impossible" goals- exercise, productive school days, slow evenings and good meals- I can find allll that time (mostly) if I were to just put down my phone and not sit down at the computer. The time is there, right? It's just getting chewed away by little skims of FB here and texting there and my 87th email check and it melts away like a notch of butter in my pan. And then there IS NO TIME!! (I think). No time to live my happy, good life.
What a waste. What a total waste.
Don't get me wrong. This isn't the internet's fault. I love the internet and all the interaction that is here. The fault is mine. I am orderless and mastered by my whims. I decide what to do based on what I want to do, or what sounds nice to do, that very second, and I can easily stop what I am doing right there, even if it's important, and just bounce right over to the next thing that seems fun. And that usually leads to not a lot getting done, and not doing much that is meaningful. I found that I read less, I skimmed articles more, I avoided getting into actual dialogue on social media because it would consume me too much- yet, I felt consumed constantly. Consumed by skimming and superficiality and time wasting.
So, I started to try to change my habits. And after just a few weeks of waking up a tish earlier, at a fixed time, and spending less time hovering near a screen, I am amazed at how on top of life we can be. How many days can start productively and end peacefully. How well my kids can do their chores, even. I think it's because they can watch me doing the important stuff with a sense of duty and cheerfulness. And they see we are a team together, and they aren't pulling the weight without me. Or maybe it's just that I'm wasting less time and not being so lazy and making better choices, so I'm happier. Not as demanding. Not as screamy. Not as frustrated with myself, not as frustrated with them.
I think what this mostly boils down to is that I'm just kinda crappy at everything. I love so much about life- I love blogging, I love my life at home, I love being my kid's mom and Kirby's wife, I love art and music and literature, but I feel like I dance on the surface of everything. And I don't nurture enough discipline in my life to dig in deep and do any of it really well. And, embarrassingly, that includes being a wife and a mother. That's the simple truth. I can be fun when I want to be and productive when I want to be but when I don't want to be... well, then it all really sucks. And here I am, midway through a pregnancy with my sixth child and I'm realizing that still can hardly get out of bed in the morning. And I mean, a regular morning, not an "up all night with heartburn" morning. I can rarely start school on time, or get the laundry done and a story read... slowly. These are the good, simple things I want to get good at. I am ready to stop flailing through life.
I hope to figure out how to fit this blog world into the life I want to live everyday. But the honest truth is I just don't quite know how. If I were, by nature, responsible and systematic (I am not), then I could probably just decide on a time to sit down once or twice a week and write. I hope that someday soon I can. For now, I am trying to strip mostly everything away and set simple goals that I know I can meet and try build a happier, healthier existence from that.
For now, it's mostly just waking up. As stupid as it sounds, it's the hardest thing on my daily agenda. And I want to learn how do it now, while my kids are little, because I fear if I don't, too many years will fly by with me just *hoping* to change and my children will never know a mother who can tackle the beast and make herself better.
Blogging isn't dead. It'll just have to come when it comes. I know you don't mind anyway...
Logistically, Instagram is easy (find me there!), FB is hard, emails are hard (all my many, many apologies if you've emailed and I haven't gotten back. I saved them all and I promise I will.) and blogging is hard, too. But when I am honest enough with myself to admit that all that stuff feels too hard to manage and to fit easily into my daily life, you know what does get easy? Reading, cooking, sitting outside in the garden, not yelling, not rushing, taking it easy, sweeping my floors, cuddling with my children, talking to them, resting in the afternoon, being a wife...
So, there are perks, ya know?
I hope to be back soon.
(gratuitous photobooth belly shot// 22 weeks)