Monday, February 9, 2015

All the life-changing thoughts

Chirp, chirp. Is anyone out there?

Maybe just one or two.

That's good enough.

I'm sorry that I've been the most MIA blogger to ever come out of Fillmore, CA but the truth of all truths is simply that I am! And I kinda don't know how to not be right now. And for some reason I've convinced myself you all need to hear why which I'm sure is 150% not the case but if a blog is anything to me it's for pointless spewing so I spew I shall. You're welcome in advance.

I had some pretty insightful moments during a nasty fever-filled illness right after the new year. Kind of approp, I suppose... laying in bed, shaking with fever, resolutionless, having profound life-changing thoughts. I even wept at Kirby saying (weeping?) "I...need... to change.... my....life"... to which he sweetly replied with a nod and a my wife is cray when she is sick mental note. (And it's true- I get psycho when I'm ill, but the thoughts turned out to be not psycho and really valuable and here is what they are/were, basically...)

I NEED TO CHANGE MY LIFE.

Bing!

There. That's it.

But the thing that blew me away and reduced me to sick, fever tears was that I can. I can just do it. All the things I've hoped to improve on and change- better sleep habits, waking up earlier, getting exercise, being more present, being kinder, spending less time with a device in my hand... all of those things I can actually just do. Because, I'm ,like, in charge of myself or something. Of course there will be struggle. Probably even always. But I am tired of pushing off the good things I can just do now.

And when I consider the internet, it more than anything, feels like the odd shaped puzzle piece in the life I want to be living. Because the truth is, I can find time for all those "impossible" goals- exercise, productive school days, slow evenings and good meals- I can find allll that time (mostly) if I were to just put down my phone and not sit down at the computer. The time is there, right? It's just getting chewed away by little skims of FB here and texting there and my 87th email check and it melts away like a notch of butter in my pan. And then there IS NO TIME!! (I think). No time to live my happy, good life.
What a waste. What a total waste.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't the internet's fault. I love the internet and all the interaction that is here. The fault is mine. I am orderless and mastered by my whims. I decide what to do based on what I want to do, or what sounds nice to do, that very second, and I can easily stop what I am doing right there, even if it's important, and just bounce right over to the next thing that seems fun. And that usually leads to not a lot getting done, and not doing much that is meaningful. I found that I read less, I skimmed articles more, I avoided getting into actual dialogue on social media because it would consume me too much- yet, I felt consumed constantly. Consumed by skimming and superficiality and time wasting.

So, I started to try to change my habits. And after just a few weeks of waking up a tish earlier, at a fixed time, and spending less time hovering near a screen, I am amazed at how on top of life we can be. How many days can start productively and end peacefully. How well my kids can do their chores, even. I think it's because they can watch me doing the important stuff with a sense of duty and cheerfulness. And they see we are a team together, and they aren't pulling the weight without me. Or maybe it's just that I'm wasting less time and not being so lazy and making better choices, so I'm happier. Not as demanding. Not as screamy. Not as frustrated with myself, not as frustrated with them.

I think what this mostly boils down to is that I'm just kinda crappy at everything. I love so much about life- I love blogging, I love my life at home, I love being my kid's mom and Kirby's wife, I love art and music and literature, but I feel like I dance on the surface of everything. And I don't nurture enough discipline in my life to dig in deep and do any of it really well. And, embarrassingly, that includes being a wife and a mother. That's the simple truth. I can be fun when I want to be and productive when I want to be but when I don't want to be... well, then it all really sucks. And here I am, midway through a pregnancy with my sixth child and I'm realizing that still can hardly get out of bed in the morning. And I mean, a regular morning, not an "up all night with heartburn" morning. I can rarely start school on time, or get the laundry done and a story read...  slowly. These are the good, simple things I want to get good at. I am ready to stop flailing through life.

I hope to figure out how to fit this blog world into the life I want to live everyday. But the honest truth is I just don't quite know how. If I were, by nature, responsible and systematic (I am not), then I could probably just decide on a time to sit down once or twice a week and write. I hope that someday soon I can. For now, I am trying to strip mostly everything away and set simple goals that I know I can meet and try build a happier, healthier existence from that.

For now, it's mostly just waking up. As stupid as it sounds, it's the hardest thing on my daily agenda. And I want to learn how do it now, while my kids are little, because I fear if I don't, too many years will fly by with me just *hoping* to change and my children will never know a mother who can tackle the beast and make herself better.

Blogging isn't dead. It'll just have to come when it comes. I know you don't mind anyway...

Logistically, Instagram is easy (find me there!), FB is hard, emails are hard (all my many, many apologies if you've emailed and I haven't gotten back. I saved them all and I promise I will.) and blogging is hard, too. But when I am honest enough with myself to admit that all that stuff feels too hard to manage and to fit easily into my daily life, you know what does get easy? Reading, cooking, sitting outside in the garden, not yelling, not rushing, taking it easy, sweeping my floors, cuddling with my children, talking to them, resting in the afternoon, being a wife...

So, there are perks, ya know?

I hope to be back soon.
xo

(gratuitous photobooth belly shot// 22 weeks)

51 comments:

  1. I'm working on all these things too. Getting up at a decent hour (my 15mth old baby sleeps through the night now! No excuse!) Going to bed earlier, being more patient, getting my tasks done, reading to my littles, and only checking FB at night. You know what? I don't even check it every day now.
    When life gets tough I'll remember to pray for you too :)

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  2. Yes yes yes I am so the same. Thank you for making me think about me. And what I'm shirking from doing. Xxooxxooxxoo

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  3. Such good perks. Same same same. The blog has naturally gone on the backburner, but that's made it better for me. Except I should be more on top of things seeing that I only have two and I'm not homeschooling. Love your blog, but most importantly love you as you are so you have all my understanding for letting it come when it comes.

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  4. Wow. Did you hit the nail on the head. So much of this is so very true for me, too. It's easy to complain about how busy or overwhelmed or underwater I am all of the time, when, if I really look critically at my days, it's not that life is soooo crazy; it's that I am undisciplined. That's the plain truth of it.

    And how can I ever hope to instill a sense of discipline in my children if I don't cultivate it in myself? Do I want them to flail through adulthood/marriage/parenthood with this same aimlessness? No. But that's what I'm doing when I do nothing but let this go on day after day, year after year.

    [As an aside, there's a short section -- maybe even just a paragraph or two; I can't recall -- in Matthew Kelly's book, "Rediscover Catholicism," that discusses discipline that is just brilliant for explaining discipline as a wonderfully empowering, essential skill in both life in general and our lives of faith. I mean, it got me *fired up!* about something as onerous sounding as "discipline." Maybe I need to go re-read that.]

    A while back I read that book everyone mentions in Catholic mommy circles, "A Mother's Rule of Life," by Holly Pierlot, for some possible insight on how to tackle this issue in myself. While I like the idea behind the author's "rule," her approach is far more militant than I have the will to even attempt. There are probably some practices/ideas I could cherry pick from her repertoire. But your plan sounds entirely simple and do-able. And the things you want from life are so very lovely. What a nice life, indeed, with more of all those things as the norm.

    Thanks for putting words around this thing I think a lot of us young-ish moms are struggling with. Good luck to you. And solidarity!

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  5. If I had to choose ONE blog post in the past year (ever, maybe?) that sums up my own feelings, this is it. No question. Thanks for sharing. (And good luck to you!)

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  6. My first time commenting, but you are in my head! I have been thinking about all of these same things! How amazing and terrifying is it to realize that I have control over my life. If I want to change and create better habits- then I have that power. And if I don't - it's my fault. I just want to change it all and be the best version of myself and it sounds like you are doing exactly that. I love your blog and look forward to when you post, but hopefully I won't be disappointed if you don't because I will be too busy being present in my own life as well. Here's to being the people we know we can be.

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  7. Ditto to all of this! And so much peace as a result :) Thanks for sharing your thoughts and putting words to my heart! XOXO

    P.S. such a hot baby bump!

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  8. As we've been moving towards Lent so many of these same thoughts have been zooming around in my head (although I've been doing much less about them!). And I find myself finding more and more signs that the things that I least want to set aside (all the distractions) are the things that really need to be shoved out of the way right now... and this post feels like a giant arrow pointing the way I need to head.

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  9. This was so validating - I kept stressing about the fact that I didn't have time to blog.....and then I realized that no one was forcing me to :). Thanks for the encouragement to prioritize the things that exist outside of this magically glowing screen!

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  10. I was going through something similar last year. Blogging and social media and comparing one's stats to others can be a real addiction. I've stepped back from my blog/ and blog related gigs a lot this year. I post only about one finished project a week now.I'll be honest that my decreased page views and comments are a little disheartening, but I'm working out more, socializing more , taking up tennis, and actually organizing my house! The only time I blog now is when the kids are in school. I honestly don't think I could even do it if I had a bunch of little kids like you AND home schooled too. That seems crazy hard to do! Listen to what your body is telling you. Sick = rundown. We can't do it all. Sorry for all this unsolicited advice Blythe. Hang in there!

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  11. Well done, Blythe. I hope you never shut down the blog all together, but I am glad for you and your family that you're pulling back a bit. Blogging is only fun if it's fun. And it should be fun.

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  12. What a great post - something I so very much relate to! And I'm sort of glad to hear a mother of two is struggling to simply wake up in the morning (although I'm not glad for your sake), because I HATE that my kids wake me up every morning, but I just can't seem to be disciplined to get up before them. But it's something I've been trying and failing at this year.

    Best of luck, and I'll look forward to whatever blog posts from you pop up whenever that is.

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  13. Thank you, Blythe, for this post. This rings so true so deeply and it is such a gift that you share a struggle we can all relate to so eloquently. Thank you thank you.

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  15. Good for you. You hit the nail on the head, and sometimes, on e just has to put the stinking computer to bed! That's the reason I refuse to get a smart phone of any kind, or get a facebook account- sometimes I just pack up my tablet and put it in the cupboard for a week, but it's hard. I think I will join you- at least for lent. I don't to come face to face with God and have to asnwer to Him for all the time WASTED and mis-spent. Thank you!

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  16. Thank you for writing this. When I was growing up, my father was an underground gold miner. He worked really long hours, alternating between day and night shifts. On his days off, he would sit for hours on end in front of the television just relaxing and zoning out. I always thought what a waste of time that was, and I certainly wouldn't want to be him when he stands in the presence of our Lord (you know, to answer about all of that wasted time.) Well, looky looky what I do now. When my life of being a stay at home, homeschooling mama to six little people becomes too overwhelming to deal with, I sit in front of my computer screen or phone screen to just relax and zone out - exactly like my dad did. I fear now what God will say to me when I die. Something like, "Wow, look at all of those wasted hours you spent online." Do I really do anything that meaningful online? Not really. Check FB, read the news, check e-mail, read a blog article or five, repeat, repeat, repeat. I often wish that we just didn't have the internet. That way I wouldn't even be tempted to be reading all the blogs or checking the latest on FB. For me, it really comes down to developing some self control. I lack it in my spiritual life, my exercising habits, my eating habits, and my online time. Thanks so much for writing this. It gives me some good things to think about for Lent, and hopefully good changes will come that will last for more than 40 days.

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  17. Oh, I feel with this post and these comments. And yes, I need to develop more self-discipline and self-control. But it's also worth saying that some of that self-discipline and self-control should be (for my very pregnant & generally low-energy - even while on completely adequate thyroid meds - self) directed to getting off the computer in order not to Do More Things, but to sleep. To take a nap. We live in a culture of busy busy busy that sees sleep & real rest as signs of laziness rather than as the very necessary, life-giving (to us and to those around us) things that they are. So yes - let us channel some self-discipline and self-control into getting done those things that we would like to get done, to those goals - but let's not confuse tiredness, rest, or sleep with laziness and a lack of discipline!

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  18. Thank you for writing this!

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  19. Yes. Absolutely. I felt exactly what you've said here about two months ago. Now, I wake up 2 hours before my kids and do something crazy radical.... I do me! I read, I walk, I write & I sit in silence drinking my coffee. My days are so much more productive now & more importantly, my heart & mind are at peace. I finally feel like I am getting somewhere, reaching depth in my vocation. It is really true what they say. That early morning business is everything. And I know, because I tried the million cups of coffee & doing more, more, more, more...and both of those didn't work too well. Great post, Blythe!

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  20. 1. Such good stuff. The truest - I wonder why I'm not getting through the stack of books next to my bed and then I look down at my phone that I just wasted 20 minutes on. No phone at night is one of my rules for lent. 2. The cutest shirt! I can see you lounging in the garden with the bebes wearing that. 3. Sometimes I think we mamas need a break and we take it the only way we think we can, by surfing our phone. But really treating ourselves in other ways, taking real breaks, fills us up and pays bigger dividends. Thanks for always keeping it real. xoxo

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  21. amazing. talk about a truthteller! get it. and by get it - GET LIFE.

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  22. Oh girl, I feel you SO MUCH on this. I got overwhelmed at the beginning of the year and just decided to delete Facebook and Twitter off of my phone (but I refuse to give up Instagram) and feel like I've gained SO MUCH back. Because it's a bigger deal to break out the laptop and get on Facebook, so when I do, I feel more purposeful and I *feel* like I'm being better with my time. But it's a solid constant struggle. I guess it always will be because such is life, amiright?


    The story of your conversion is what brought me here to your blog, and it's quite honestly brought me into an amazing place in my life where I'm searching and seeking out the Catholic faith, so just those few posts alone have been enough to make me so so grateful for the blogging world and all the wonderful people there are out there. I feel like you've already given me SO MUCH. So don't worry about us. Don't worry about blogging consistently. We'll be here!

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  23. Ditto to everything everyone said up there. I think it's such a common thought. And, kudos to you for taking control of your life. I am always finding excuses for why I need to act on my whims.

    I also often think: when I look back on my life, do I want to feel like I spent it on a computer?

    Praying for you and for myself in this matter xo

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    1. "when I look back on my life, do I want to feel like I spent it on a computer?" <--- whoa

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  24. Great stuff! It's so easy to have Internet time just creep up and slowly crowd out other things.

    In case you didn't get my email with the article, (and for your readers interest): https://www.osv.com/OSVNewsweekly/Article/TabId/535/ArtMID/13567/ArticleID/16752/Drawn-to-Gods-design.aspx

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  25. Oh I can totally relate. I often feel spread sooooo thin, but there is so much I love about life I just get greedy and I don't want to give anything up. I love writing, I love being with friends, I love playing with the kids (mostly), I love cooking (mostly). And loving life isn't a bad thing - that is gift. But then I see all the things that I really want to be doing more of (like right now I should be leaving the house to get my kids at school) and I just can't fit it all in. So I am going to leave and get them at school and ponder this more. Maybe even blog about it instead of doing the laundry. Prayers for you. Thanks for your honesty. --MaryRuth

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  26. Such a great post. I struggle with all the same things. Recently I've found the only way I zone out less is if I make it harder to zone out. I set up a makeshift standing desk so I can only be on my computer while standing up, I deleted most apps from my iPhone (and my iPhone is so old many apps don't work on it anyway), and I let the battery on the iPad stay dead. If I try to be disciplined, I fail. But if I make my laziness work in my favor, I make progress! :-)

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  27. Thank you for this! I have these thoughts on a daily basis and I don't even have a blog. In fact, I keep wanting to re-start blogging after abandoning my cooking blog going on two years ago. I think about it every day, but something keeps me from pulling the trigger (besides just not being able to settle on a name). Mainly it's that I already spend too much time in front of a screen and not enough time fully engaged with my toddler. Between part-time work outside the home, caring for the home, cooking, and wanting to spend quality time with my husband and child, I don't know how a blog could fit into the day as well. At this point, I think I would end up coming to the same conclusion as you. I have so much respect for the moms who make it work (much to the benefit of all of us!) and so much respect for you, Blythe, for being able to recognize the problem and take a step back. I'll miss your blog, but I'm happy for you and wish you all the positive life-changes!

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  28. Right there with ya. Yesterday I resolved to only be in front of a screen (except the occasional text) when my kids are sleeping. I know it's going to be hard though...

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  29. Congratulations!!! I don't think I knew you were expecting. I can echo your sentiments about blogging and life nearly exactly. Lent is coming at just the right time...time for a fresh start and that gentle nudge from the Church to fast from something...FB is going "bye-bye" for me, to help me focus on those things that matter most.

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  30. Still here. Always understanding.
    I, too, am trying to be more present in my day to day. If I get up before the kids do I am so much more patient and ready to read the same book for the 34th time that day. I am trying to say yes more to my children, they are little for such a short time.

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  31. Hey Blythe, even though I think it's awesome that you are stepping away from the computer I'm still going to write a comment which, if you read, forces you to be on the computer - it's kind of weird!! But I just wanted to share that you just hit a big nail on the head for me, too - and I don't have a blog/six kids/any kids ... but, for me, the internet (and the way it eats time) can become a place of restlessness and I find myself craving peace. I want to be in less of a rush - and more thoughtful and present to those around me. I know that the first step is prayer so I will keep sitting at His feet, even though the more I do the more I discover just how much work He has to do in me ... and I'll lift you up in those prayers, too. God bless you and thanks for articulating something I needed to read today!

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  32. Hey Blythe, even though I think it's awesome that you are stepping away from the computer I'm still going to write a comment which, if you read, forces you to be on the computer - it's kind of weird!! But I just wanted to share that you just hit a big nail on the head for me, too - and I don't have a blog/six kids/any kids ... but, for me, the internet (and the way it eats time) can become a place of restlessness and I find myself craving peace. I want to be in less of a rush - and more thoughtful and present to those around me. I know that the first step is prayer so I will keep sitting at His feet, even though the more I do the more I discover just how much work He has to do in me ... and I'll lift you up in those prayers, too. God bless you and thanks for articulating something I needed to read today!

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  33. I'm a first time commenter....just had to tell you that this post and all the comments feel like they were written just for me. THANK YOU for your simplicity of spirit to just identify a problem and...do something about it. I am blown away thinking about the possibility that there might really be *enough* hours in the day to do what I need to do, if I would just disconnect from the dang Internet. I think I am seeing that I have been hiding behind the "my life is so crazy and I'm so busy of course my house is a disaster and I don't have meals planned what do you WANT from me?" excuse with the fear that, if I were to step away from the Internet, I would have to own up. Live MY life. Do the things I am called to do. Be fully present. That sounds beautiful...but hard. You are inspiring me to try it. And the commenters who have pointed out having to answer to God for the wasted time...well, I had never considered that, but I think that is absolutely true. Thank you so much for this post. I have my work cut out for me!

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  34. I say go do your thing. get life moving. We read you when we read you...

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  35. Blythe, So many prayers for the peace and satisfaction that you deserve. You have put words to the restlessness in my own heart. I totally relate to everything you've said and thank you for being brave enough to put it out there. I struggle so much with self-control/discipline, and also with balancing striving for discipline with being kind, merciful, and forgiving of myself when I am not perfect at it. You know what, though? I realize more lately what an opportunity it is to grow closer to God, because it's super clear I can't do it on my own. I heard a saying last week that goes something like, "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." It sounds a little corny, but it's true! You've got this. You will make a beautiful life for your family, and they are blessed beyond measure to have you as their wife and mother. You are God's wonderful gift to them, even in your less than perfect state. Take care, and you will be in my prayers.

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  36. Hi Blythe, I'm Emma! This is my first time commenting, and I felt compelled to thank you for your honesty. What a beautiful realization. As one of those people who has emailed you recently, I say sincerely that I would rather you read, cook, sit outside in the garden, and do all those other lovely, life-giving things than respond to my little email in any sort of timely fashion! And what better way to begin the Lenten season than with a great resolve to change your life. I hope and pray that you can find that balance and develop those good habits and feel great joy and peace in living life well. God bless you and your sweet growing family.

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  37. YES BLYTHE. YES. Dancing on the surface of everything. Sometimes I want commune living, pre-Internet.

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  38. Love this. Have you read one thousand gifts, by ann voscamp? we are going through it in small group and i have found it incredibly helpful. Give thanks, small joys, learning, being fully present, and my daily ability/choice to choose my attitude. It all sounds so simple, and when i finally wrap my mind around the task, the outcome is wonderful and so so good. Keep up those fabulous moments with your family and appreciating life!

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  39. I can relate to this more than you will ever imagine. I started a blog just a few months ago with all the best intentions and found out quickly how much time it takes and had to be humble enough to not make it what I wanted--I went from wanting to post 3x per week to 1x per week to 1x per liturgical season. :-) The crazy thing is I don't even have a family to take up the rest of my time so I can only imagine how it is for you!

    It is also an ever-present task to be present to the moment. The Internet offers so many treasures but can also be the easiest of escapes, a quick distraction from the demands of reality.

    God bless you and your family!

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  43. I really felt like you were describing me here. I have been struggling with all those same things, and my conclusion has been much the same: less internet. Fewer screens, etc. I hope it's going great for you! Happy Holy Week-- praying for you during this pregnancy!

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