Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Parenting Amnesia

Is this a thing? I think it's a thing.

Lately, Peter has been super duper Jekyll and Hyde-y with baby Joe.  One minute it's hugs and sloppy 20-month old kisses, the next minute it's WHAM full throttle, flat-palmed slap on the face. Pobrecito! Lo violento! Or a poke in the open newborn eye. Or a bite on the teensy newborn foot. Que triste!

And you'd think that I've got a fully loaded bag of tricks at this point, that I should just know how to parent a tiny toddler baby who beats upon a tiny newborn baby. Yeah, like, why do I not have a post titled Top 10 tricks to Get Your Old Baby to Stop Being Violent to Your New Baby or How to Punish Very Small Children? It's because I have no idea.

Q: How would you respond to a toddler slapping a newborn. A: yo lo se.

Lately, I've found myself just whipping any old consequence out of the book for Peter when he busts a move on bb Joe. A toss in the crib here, a robust "NO, NO GENTLE" there, a little hand smack here, some standard ignoring there. Zero consistency, zero progress, zero method. A recipe for success if you ask me!

But the thing is, I feel like I did know how to manage crisis' such a this once upon a time. I mean, I had to have, right? I've done this already! It's just that I don't know now. I have super mush brain and when I brought it up to a friend she confirmed that super mush brain is actually a thing postpartum, and that it can take up to 7 years to recover full brain capacity after having a child and that made me just Zzzzzzzzz time for many naps.

I know I need to basically just pick my poison and be consistent but he's such a baby still himself. I think disciplining someone Peter's age is super silly and pointless (for the most part) but I want to try to get him to get it! Kick/bite/poke/slap baby = no. I'm thinking plopping him in his bed when he isn't gentle with the babe is the best course of action but the violence mostly happens when I'm nursing and 1/2 of my arms is tucked under baby and incapable of blocking Petey boy and his flailing appendages. So do I get alllll the way up to throw him in his crib? Do I just keep tossing out my random consequences even though they are flippant and potentially unhealthy? Should I buy and read multiple books like this? Do you think Peter is just jealous cuz Joe has more hair than him? Should I send him to boarding school? SOS.




But, really, they are the cutest.

30 comments:

  1. So so hard. Little Peter is grieving the loss of being the baby & his big feelings/baby experimentation is very normal but exhausting. I found saying 'I won't let you hurt the baby' & physically moving my older sons arms/hand whilst trying to muster a zen like calm the most helpful. Then offering if he'd like to sit next to me whilst I fed the baby x

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    1. Yes! I am sure this is the very best route. I am just so very bad at the zen-like calm part...

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    2. I typically can only muster zen like calm once or twice a day for brief moments x Miranda

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  2. With our #2 nearing his due date and an older brother who just turned 2... This is my biggest worry. It's actually kind of reassuring to hear that even more experienced moms sometimes are flying by the seat of their pants! I'm theoretically planning on using Anonymous' method above, but we'll see how I do when the river his the road...

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    1. Good luck!!! You know, mostly all his emotions are totally positive! It's clearly more exploratory aggression as opposed to anger towards the baby. I'm sure you'll be fine.

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  4. Can't help you, cause I can't remember! You're right! It is a thing....

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  5. Have you read Siblings Without Rivalry? Of course, you don't have time because you have a baby. It had some great tips, but our boys weren't as young as yours. Praying for you!

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  6. When I had my second, my first totally acted like Peter. Someone told me to have him sit right next to me when I nursed, so he felt physically part of me and the new baby and it really helped! I would turn on a show or try to look at a book with him while I nursed. Not easy I know with #5 & #6. But hope it helps!!

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    1. Yeah that's smart! If nothing else to distract him. I'm def gonna try that.

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  7. The first couple months were hell for us after our 2nd was born. Our son was 17 months old when his sister was born and while there were plenty of nice kisses and pats, his tantrums went through the roof and he got extremely jealous at times. Granted, I had PPD, so I didn't handle it well, but eventually things settled down and I made sure to have little moments just the two of us so he still felt like he was my baby and that his sister hadn't completely usurped him.

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  8. I was thinking the same as Kate. He's probably a little bit jealous that the baby is getting your undivided attention during nursing. So perhaps if you invited him to sit with you and let him hold a book while you read to him maybe that would help!

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  9. My children are grown, youngest 15. But way back in my memory bank, I remember my mom suggesting rewarding the positive behavior instead of punishing the negative behavior. And at the time, in my fog, I remember thinking - that is so obvious why did I not think of that? Now, in the case of violence, I still think there has to be a negative consequence, such as removing to his room or a time out area. But the suggestion above of having him sit with you when you nurse is good. I think I read to one of mine when nursing. A small reward is key and I do remember how hard when all of mine were little it was to keep track of rewards but it is worth it.

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    1. Praising and modeling positive behavior is a great idea. Make sure he knows how to use "gentle hands" on the baby. Show soft kisses and hugs, and encourage that. Try to make sure older kids and familly are not doing pretend rough housing/eating precious little toes with the toddler nearby.
      And it's not just mommy mush brain at work. Some toddlers don't mind a new baby and act appropriately, others ignore the incursion of the baby in their lives and don't act out, and others provide more of a challenge. Maybe your other kids were just easier-going about the newest addition when they were little. So praise often, remonstrate as needed, and hopefully this phase will pass soon.

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  10. Well, I'm expecting #5 with a 20 month old in a month or so, and for now I'm pretending this can't happen here. Lalala. She doesn't shove her older siblings out of my lap because she belives it's her personal domain, no, no.

    Best of luck to us both.

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  12. But peters face in the last photo. How are you even supposed to chastise him?
    Both Jordan and Weston have been nothing but loving towards Will...but they love TOO HARD. Jordan caves Will's cheek in with her kisses and Weston rubs his chin vehemently on Will's hands while he holds them. How do you punish love?? "Gentle please!" may as well be "dog pile on Will!" for all the effectiveness it has. Poor guy, maybe it'll toughen up his newborn neediness ;) ;)
    What I'm trying to say is: nope, I can't help you. I've got nothing.

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    1. Yes!!! That is Johnny and Clem with the collapsing face kisses. So much hard love.

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  13. I had my second baby when my first was 17 months. It was hard for at about 6 weeks with the hitting and the hurting. My oldest acted exactly like Peter, and of course it's understandable etc, but you also want it sorted, right? Because- tough times, and you are sleep deprived and yeah, can we just stop with the hitting even though we understand your valid feelings little man...What worked for us (over about a 3 week period)was a two pronged approach. Firstly, we had a box of new, exciting toys and books that only ever came out when I was feeding. He sat next to me and we looked at them together. I also did a LOT of sitting on the floor next to him gently touching the baby. The baby's head was off limits but he could stroke/gently touch anywhere else. When he did hit we went with a very swift 'scoop and dump' approach- scooped him up, placed him in the cot and said 'we do not hit.' This was a pain in the neck especially when feeding, it really was- but when we started the zero tolerance, swift consequence alongside all the positive fluffy bits it really did work quite quickly. May this season pass quickly for you.

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  14. Looks like they are already best buds!!


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  15. Sounds so hard. You know what though? It's a good thing Peter's facing his uncomfortable feelings head on, from the get-go, we had 8 months of "look how WELL Mr3 is coping with the baby!?" and then just suddenly Fight Club Jnr. It was harder to know if it was still an adjustment thing or just....mean? But I'm inclined to acknowledge the feelings, not punish them. It must be so hard on them being toppled from their baby-kingdom. But definitely strong, firm limits and removing baby calmly etc until he can deal. Good luck and worse case scenario, Peter will rock a little boarding school uniform.

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  16. They are going to be best buds in about a year no matter what you do! Way to enjoy them and keep them fed. A+++ to you!

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  17. My first and 2nd were like this ...same age gap and I just said 'no gently' ad infinitum to the big baby while the new baby coped it !! No permenant psychological damage done and they are now best buds! My technique now is to convince the kids that while tiny loved and squishy the baby just isnt that interesting. ( it wasn't hard to convince them that they where way more interesting than the baby not so much in words more in attitude) I tried to keep them in the craddle Or in a wrap mostly. Until they can at least block there face from some of the stuff some of the time.

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  18. More importantly I prayed asking god to look out for them ... Variations on I know you love me you gave them to me I know you love them help me to look after them/ you look after them cause I'm struggling.

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