Friday, November 20, 2015

Not a ____ mom

You know, this year has been big changey-changey for me. And I'll probably really value it forever because it's helped me to realize that some things can just change. And that it's ok and even good. Because it's easy to cling to the definable traits like religion. I am a homebirthing mom, I am a homeschooling mom. I am a Catholic, homebirthing, homeschooling mom. I am a Catholic homeschooling mom.

Until I wasn't most of those things anymore.

Some things are a part of my unchangeable identity. Wife, mom, Catholic, friend. These are who I am, they aren't what I do. Those other things are what I did but they weren't who I was. It's easy to twist that up though, isn't it?

And it's easy to think that when you discontinue a certain habit you kill a little bit of your authentic self. Maybe that's why we are so hesitant to make a big change. I was, too. I still kind of am. And I know many of you are. I had the same flood of comments on my post about sending our kids to school as I did about getting an epidural. I really want to... I think I really do... I am in the same boat as you... I am thinking the same thoughts... 

All this says to me is that we are changeable humans. And that we need it. We need to accept new ways and allow them. And even be happy about them. We need to be brave and do it differently if we must. And still be able to have a glass of wine with our feet up at the end of the day and be alright with ourselves.

When I chose homebirth for our kids it was because it was right for us, then. But each new baby brought along a new me, and a totally new family dynamic I had to consider. By the time I was pregnant with Peter, I often found myself in a tangle of anxiety about how his birth would go. I so desperately wanted it to be easy and quick and renew my love for the birth experience. And then it ended up being really, really hard. When I found myself pregnant with Joe I would lay in bed so afraid of his birth, like a storm looming months down the road. I was worried and emotional and nervous and that affected who I was as a mother and as a wife. And then I remembered I could just decide to do it differently that time. This wasn't a moral decision, this was just freedom. Freedom to chose one way or another, and freedom to determine what was the best way, then.

The moment I swallowed my pride enough to firmly decide on a medicated birth, I wasn't afraid anymore. And I went on to experience a very stress free pregnancy which was good for myself and good for the people around me, all dependent on my love and my sanity.

School has turned out to be a similar thing. I loved homeschool, I still do. But what once was sweet has turned sour. And I agonize and agonize about "going back" on what I said I'd do until I realize this is not a crime. It's not bad. In fact, it's good. If you're even a little like me, maybe we are used to being so hell bent on the "way it has to be" that it's really hard to see when change is the necessary course for us.

I do think it's easy to look at these cells of  ____  types of moms like unbreakable clans that we can neither penetrate or leave. Once you're a  ____ mom, you're in for life. If you abandon the cause you're a deserter, if you've deserted then you never truly were.

But I'm learning through my own experience how unfair that mentality is. I was that and I'm now this and it's fine.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't another mommy wars post. We all know enough to be nice and loving and to accept each other for who we are. My point is it's too damn easy to treat ourselves this way. To convince ourselves we are doing something wrong because we are choosing a new way. Even if it's a better way for us, or our husbands, or our kids. Even if God is telling us yes. Even if it's just because we are freaking out and we can't do it that way anymore. Even if it's just because we don't want to do it that way anymore. Even if a million other mothers can. All because we are too proud to erase a title from our name.

But I'm right here with you. And I think we will all be stronger and better for it. For allowing deletions and additions to our repertoire to come and go, knowing that who we are is woman, wife, friend, sister, mother, daughter of an Almighty God; and whichever names of those we share, they are the ones that matter.


PS Unbeknownst to me, earlier today Mary took this picture of a picture of me dancing at our wedding. I hadn't seen it before I wrote this but how appropriate, huh?

28 comments:

  1. Love your blog. You are a strong mom... That didn't change.

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  2. High five for you, smart lady. Love this.

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  3. This is beautiful, Blythe. Truly truly open to the Lord at work in your life. <3

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  4. Love this! I def need this reminder!

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  5. So , so true, but its tough when you are listening to the negative self- talk. Its tough to overcome the "I failed/ you were right/ I couldn't hack this" mentality. Urgh.

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  6. A-freakin-men!

    And you are absolutely right. We have the freedom to do our jobs however we wish!

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  7. Thank God for you and other brave moms out there who show us all how to courageously listen to God's voice in our hearts instead of all of the self-doubt, perfection-driven nonsense that society feeds us (and that is sure to make us unhappy and untrue). I've unfollowed so many other Catholic mom blogs because your's (and Nell's) is the bar for vulnerability and "genuine-ity" and you set it so high. Thank you.

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  8. So so true. How can we be who God wants to help us become if we're so attached to "what" we're doing instead of who we are? Beautifullly said, thank you!

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  9. I really agree with all of this, Blythe! I think it's more than in the mom world too. I think we get really caught up on defining ourselves into a neat little bundle and then our labels that we create to portray ourselves end up enslaving us. I see the "introvert" label (of which I currently share) become an excuse or even sometimes a chain that tethers people from enjoying activities that don't really belong to the introvert world. I'm an introvert, but life changes, and just because I USED to hate going out in the evenings does not mean I still do or will in the future. When I used to hate it, I worked with people all day and needed to rest when I got home. Now, I'm stay at home, and all my interaction is with a cooing baby, so by the evening, I WANT to see people. I'm still more introverted than extroverted, but I'm not going to let that enslave me or put me in a box labeled "anti-social." Great post!

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    1. I am totally with you-I read this post, and I was like, "This is amazing, but it's so applicable for anyone!" It's super easy, even if we think that we don't label ourselves, to find ourselves putting ourselves into a box. When I first got married, I really saw how much I had done this in my life, and I found the importance of being flexible and giving myself the freedom to change how I do things! :)

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    2. Yes! Sometimes I wonder if maybe the usage of social media influences all of us to obsess over labels. The profiles we create are constantly getting us to check boxes, fill out likes and dislikes, and grouping us into categories. With all of that at our fingertips, it's easy to forget that we are more than that.

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    3. That's a really, really good point! And as much as I love personality and temperament quizzes and analyses, it can be super tempting to drop ourselves into those categories, too.

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  10. Preach. The only thing constant in life is change. I think you wrote what so many of us are feeling. Brava.

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  11. I love this so so so much, Blythe. Wish we would have talked more at Big Sur. I 100% feel this (your post) as Keenan and I ride the wave of little kid-dom, long hours, family stuff, religious questions, etc., etc. Surrendering, listening, and loving is what I keep learning, over and over. Lots of love to you and your fam as you do whatever what is best for you guys! It's such a journey to allow ourselves and others to change and care less and less what others think.

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  12. Thanks for the good good work in typing all this out. The grace is this makes me sigh and feel relieved that none of us needs to be perfect. Just to keep on trucking and lovin. In Australia, we talk about 'Givin it a crack'. Which means to give something a go, or try something new, but it's said very light-heartedly i.e. It's sometimes combined with 'What's the worst that can happen?" This post reminded me of that phrase. Maybe because, you Blythe, don't seem scared to give things a crack. Which is creativity at it's best. And such a useful skill when trying to marry our ideals and family life. If you are trying to live counter-culturally then often the challenge of that forces us into a 'Stay on target!' mode that is heavy and immovable. I must do THIS because we are THIS!. Ironically, It prevents the lightness and agility that we sometimes need to survive when trying to live differently. Adaption is awesome. The photo was just perfect. I'll stop banging on cause you said it yourself, just beautifully. Thankyou!

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  13. Dear Blythe, let me just write things from a little bit different perspective: I am an European Catholic mother of one child. The only thing we have in common is our faith. However, I feel like saying this out - loud: You american people overcomplicate so many things. In Europe, we often do things intuitively - not meaning we don't think throoughly before we make a decision. However, it seems to me that you guys filter so many decisiouns through so many filters that I admire you for staying sane. Life does not need to be so complicated and milions of lives around the world prove it. In the end, we as Catholics, believe that the purpose of our lives to be united with Christ in the afterlife. In order to achieve that, you do not have to be homebirther or homeschooler. Otherwise a lot of non American Catholics would go to hell as homebirth and homeschooling are not legal options in mayn countries (including mine). So, listen to your heart, allow yourself to be human and mother of humans, as if raising 6 little Catholics isn't hard enough. Lots of love from and EU Sister! Ps. Do come for a visit to Europe. I have met many Americans living in Europe, and one of the things they enjoy is often the simplicity of life and culture :)

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  14. Love this and needed to hear this! I feel like you just know how to voice the things going on in my life!

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  15. From view, I think dr. wakina via dr.wakinalovetemple@gmail.com deserves an award for saving lives, relationships, marriages, carriers and more. I benefited from his spell, my lifestyle changed and I now live like a Queen.
    I learnt from my past experience with dr. wakina that good and trustworthy people still exist, I gave dr. wakina my total trust and heart, but he didn’t disappoint, he protected my heart like an egg and respected my emotional feelings, by telling me the truth, working according to his word and bringing back my husband at the appropriate time and date. It was as if I was dreaming when my husband, who left me for almost two years (without a phone call or text) came back on Christmas Eve.
    I was filled with gratitude when I remembered dr.wakina promised me the best gift for Christmas, he proved to me why I should still trust and hope for better days, why I should never give up in my dreams, and why I should also recommend his work to my friends and family and to entire universe, to email him via dr.wakinalovetemple@gmail.com, I promise you won’t regret ever contacting him, he is good and never disappoint from what I have seen and read about him.

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  16. I'm very excited sharing this amazing testimony about how i save my marriage and get my husband back today, My name is Keys Miller,i live in Los Angeles, California, and I'm happily married to a lovely and caring husband ,with three kids. A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my husband. So terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce,he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband . So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited.{GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past seven 9 months,gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there to kindly contact Dr Ogudugu if you have any problems,{GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM}. Thanks you Dr Ogudugu, i will always be testifying about your good work.

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  17. After being in relationship with anderson for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email:dreromoselespellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything .I CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL: dreromoselespellhome@gmail.com

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  18. VERONICA

    okuntemple@gmail.com helped me.Well what happened to me is I was dating PATRICK for almost two years. Then I found out his ex girlfriend moved back to our town and started talking to him. She was really a bad influence on him and was ruining such a good relationship that we had. I didn't know what to do and I had tried a few spells in the past from psychics, but none worked to bring him back. When I finally tried from dr okun the other girl got out of the picture and he came back to me within a week. There are definitely some powerful forces out there that can be a true blessing! here is his address okuntemple@gmail.com he can be of help to you he is a passionate spellcaster the number he called me with was +2347060595685

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    1. My husband broke up with me last week, i was so frustrated and i could not know what next to do again, i love my husband so much but he was cheating on me with another woman and this makes him broke up with me so that he can be able to get marry to the other lady and this lady i think use witchcraft on my husband to make him hate me and my kids and this was so critical and uncalled-for,I cry all day and night for God to send me a helper to get back my man until i went to NY to see a friend and who was having the same problem with me but she latter got her Husband back and i asked her how she was able to get her husband back and she told me that their was a powerful spell caster in Africa name Dr.Unity that he help with love spell in getting back lost lover back and i decided to contacted the same Dr.Unity and he told me what is needed to be done for me to have my man back and i did it although i doubted it but i did it and the Dr told me that i will get the result after 48hours, and he told me that my husband was going to call me by 9pm in my time and i still doubted his word, to my surprise my husband really called me and told me that he miss me so much, Oh My God i was so happy, and today i am happy with my man again and we are joyfully living together as one good family and i thank the powerful spell caster Dr.Unity of Unityspelltemple@gmail.com , he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that good spell casters still exist and Dr.Unity is one of the good spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are there and your lover is turning you down, or you have your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore contact the powerful spell caster Dr.Unity on his email: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com .if you have any problem contact Dr.Unity, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you. Thank you sooooo much!!!

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  19. (How i got my husband back)

    My husband and i have live together for 15yrs and married for 11yrs and he divorce me 3months ago. I was worried and so confuse because i love him so much and i need him back home, i was really going too depressed and it has affect me so much that i feel my life have come to an end. One day a friend of mine told me about this spell caster called Dr Kala who can help me get my husband back and she told me many people are talking about him all over the internet and she gave me his email (kalalovespell@gmail.com) i contact him and i made all my problems known to him and he told me not to worry that he was going to make my husband to come back to me and in just 48hours i receive a call from my husband and he was appealing that i should come back to the house. I have never in my life believe in spell but now he has just helped me out to be a fulfill woman and i am now so happy. All Thanks to DR KALA and if you also want to have your Husband back to yourself here !! his email again is KALALOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM or you whatsapp him on +2347051705853 i am so happy to testify of your work and kindness.

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  20. My life became devastated when my husband sent me packing, after 8 years that we have been together. I was lost and helpless after trying so many ways to make my husband take me back. One day at work, i was absent minded not knowing that my boss was calling me, so he sat and asked me what its was all about i told him and he smiled and said that it was not a problem. I never understand what he meant by it wasn't a problem getting my husband back, he said he used a spell to get his wife back when she left him for another man and now they are together till date and at first i was shocked hearing such thing from my boss. He gave me an email address of the great spell caster who helped him get his wife back, i never believed this would work but i had no choice that to get in contact with the spell caster which i did, and he requested for my information and that of my husband to enable him cast the spell and i sent him the details, but after two days, my mom called me that my husband came pleading that he wants me back, i never believed it because it was just like a dream and i had to rush down to my mothers place and to my greatest surprise, my husband was kneeling before me pleading for forgiveness that he wants me and the kid back home, then i gave Happy a call regarding sudden change of my husband and he made it clear to me that my husband will love me till the end of the world, that he will never leave my sight. Now me and my husband is back together again and has started doing pleasant things he hasn't done before, he makes me happy and do what he is suppose to do as a man without nagging. Please if you need help of any kind, kindly contact Happy for help and you can reach him via email: happylovespell2@gmail.com

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  21. At last my happiness has been restored by a Man named Dr OCUSODO, my name’s are miss Kelly Sandy I want every one on this site or forum to join me thank this DR OCUSODO for what he just did for me and my kids. my story goes like this I was married to my husband for 5 years we were living happily together for this years and not until he traveled to Italy for a business trip where he met this prostitute who be witched he to hate me and the kids and love her only so when my husband came back from the trip he said he does not want to see me and my kids again so he drove us out of the house and he was now going to Italy for to see that other woman. so I and my kids were now so frustrated and I was just staying with my mum and I was not be treating good because my mama got married to another man when my daddy death so the man she got married to was not treating I and my kids well so I was so confuse and I was searching for a way to get my husband back and so one day as I was browsing on my computer I saw a testimony about this MAN DR OCUSODO. this email drocusodospellcaster@gmail.com OR drocusodospellcaster@yahoo.com and also his contact number +2348105578036 shared on the internet by a lady and it impress me too so I also think of give it a try at first a was scared by when I think of what me and my kids are passing through so I contact him and he told me to stay calm for just two days that my husband shall be restored to me and to my best surprise I received a call from my husband on the second day asking after the kids and I called Dr OCUSODO and he said your problems are solved my child so this was how I get my family back after a long stress of brake up by an evil lady so with all this help from DR OCUSODO,you can contact him for any problem you have he can also help you, this email address, drocusodospellcaster@gmail.com or drocusodospellcaster@yahoo.com and also his contact number +2348105578036 I want you all on this forum to join me to say a huge thanks to DR OCUSODO and I will also advice for any one in such or similar problems or any kind of problems should also contact him for help.

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  22. My deepest secret turned against me after my husband discovered I was seeing my boss. Though it’s a shameful act, but I was afraid my boss would fire me if I resist. I really wanted to stay in the job because my husband was not working and my boss increased my pay because of our secret affairs. I thought I was doing our family good, until my husband found out through my colleague, he was broken at that moment and vowed never to see me again. My senses came back, I quitted the job, I was ashamed of myself, I became suicidal, and I started doing drugs in order to forget my past.
    Few days after the divorce papers were served, I email Dr. aluda via aludaspelltemple@gmail.com After reading some overwhelming reviews about his bring lover back spell, I explained everything to him and pleaded to make me change, to adore only my husband and make my husband forgive and forget every evil I have done to him and forget about divorce. It took Dr aluda two days to cast the spell, my husband came back five days after the spell. I couldn’t believe my eyes, he totally forgave me and agreed to start afresh with me, he then appreciated Dr aluda for his help and promised not to divorce. I am so happy for our new beginning, we have a new job and a new apartment. For over seven months, things has been working. I was blessed since the day I found Dr. aluda email: aludaspelltemple@gmail.com
    call or whatsapp him on +2348063930531
    Victoria Noel
    From UK

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  23. ALL THANKS TO DR OTARU FOR THE GREAT THIN HE HAVE DON FOR ME AND MY FAMILY my name is Miss ruiz mary am from Texas, am a woman who love and cherish my husband more than any other thing you can imagine on earth continent. My husband was so lovely and caring after 3years of marriage he was seriously ill and the doctor confirm and said he has a kidney infection that he needed a kidney donor, that was how I start searching for a good Samaritan who can help,doctor has given me a periodic hour that he will live just 26hours left, that was how I ask the doctor if I can be of help to my husband that was how he carried out the text,the confirming was successful, I was now having this taught that since 3 years now we got married MyI have not be able to get pregnant can I be able to get bring again? That was the question I ask the doctor, he never answer his response was did you want to lost your husband? I immediately reply no I can't afford to loose him. After the operation my husband came back to live and was healthy I was also OK with the instruction given to me by the doctor, after 3months my husband came home with another lady telling me, that is our new wife that will give us kids and take care of us, that was how I was confused and started crying all day, that was how my husband ran away with his new wife Clara belle. Since then I was confuse don't no what to do that was how I went back to the doctor and tell him everything, he told me that, this is not just an ordinary it must be a spiritual problem that was how he gave me this email (otarusolutionhome@gmail.com that I should tell him all my problem that he can help that was how i contacted him and I do as instructed. After 3days and I have done what she ask me to do, my husband start searching for me and went back to the doctor, that was how we well settle she also told me not to worry that I will get pregnant, this month making it the fifth Month I contacted him am now 3months pregnant. These great spell cater is a great man, if you are any kind of problem you can contact him here on his email otarusolutionhome@gmail.om his mobile contact +2348107345943 you can also whatsapp him

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