Today I found myself bumping along the worn gravel parking lot outside of a local K-mart. The boxed bassinet I had just purchased was filling the entirety of the child seat in my cart and Francis in his car seat filled the empty space behind it as we jostled and jumped along the old, cracked gravel towards our car. The day was hot and sunny and so I leaned around the big cardboard box to take a look at the baby- the package so large I couldn't even see him without craning my neck around the edge of it. He looked pretty unsettled as we bumped along. The street was more uneven than most and the cart was buzzing and humming with the sound of the metal on that pocked ground. I kept my eyes focused on him around the edge of the box as I pushed, cooing and shushing him as we rolled on towards the car. "We are almost there, baby, almost to the car, don't be sad..." over and over as I smiled reassuringly and kept his eyes on mine.
My first thought was, "This poor seventh baby..." always along for the ride with me, even in this hot, beat-up parking lot. He is such a good baby putting up with our crazy life- constantly awoken from naps and sitting in pee diapers way longer than any first child ever would... being nursed in the car, at the park, as I'm tying the shoe of a sibling, in the cold and in the heat.
And then I saw a bird's eye view of us in that moment as we bumped along with the cart and the box. That bassinet wasn't for Francis. He doesn't even have a bassinet. He has a moses basket on the floor next to our bed but he spends most of time on the bed, if I'm being honest. I've gotten used to that little perpetual drool stain on my sheets from all these babies over the years. And when we kick him out of our bed and the room he will move on to a little crib used by Clem, Pete and Joe before him, and from there to the run-down crib that Pete uses now. He will be the seventh baby to sleep in that crib if it doesn't fall apart by then.
The bassinet was for a baby released yesterday from a local NICU, for friends in a desperate emergency foster-to-adopt situation. You see there was a baby born, one month early. And while I bounced through the K-mart parking lot with his new bassinet in my cart, with my three-month old in his old, stained carseat, jostling along with me towards the car, I looked at my Francis and was overwhelmed with the awareness of how much I loved him. That he was loved. He was so deeply, deeply loved. Despite his hand-me-downs and his lack of stuff and his forever bouncing along with me as we bustle through the day, he has my love. And not only my love but Kirby's and his six siblings as well- not to mention our rich community of friends, his godparents, and his grandparents. In his home alone, he is deeply, intensely loved by 8 individuals. Who all want him... everyday. We all want him.
And he will have that, assuredly, for his entire life.
And then I thought of the baby for whom the empty bassinet was for. Born one month early and alone. God willing for not much longer but alone. And I was stunned in that moment at the frivolities of modern life. How silly and obsessive we can be over what we can or can't give our children. I've felt those feelings, too. Particularly at the start of my pregnancy with Francis. How can I give him what he needs with how much our life demands of me? With all the world tell us we've got to give? College tuition? After-school activities? Private school? Their own room? Toys? Clothes? Stuff??
Nothing.
In that moment in the parking lot under the sun, with that bassinet and my baby and his big blue eyes I realized that he has got it all. He's a king among babies. Because he is loved.
And, quite simply, that covers it.
All the superficialities that consume us as parents, all the demands we place on ourselves to give our kids "everything they need" or "everything they want"... it's all a fraud, wrought in our own consumption and insatiable thirst for more, better, more. It's conceived in the fear of our own failure and inability to love... again. It gestates in our obsession with cultural approval and wanting to avoid, at all costs, it's downward gaze at us and another one?! And the lie grows in us instead, and it takes up the space.
And more often than not, it keeps so many of us from the joy of giving our love away to another... to a new set of eyes to stare into in the K-mart parking lot, a new one to coo at and assure that the ride will be over soon, a new one to hold and to dress in hand-me-down clothes... and cribs... and things.
And, damn, are we missing out.
It's a reminder I need for myself- that despite all this there is love. There is always, always love.
And so we have it all.
And so we have all of it.
My favorite of all your posts, ever. What a beautiful moment. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteOh, Blythe. This post! Your clarity of what all is! To love and to be loved.
ReplyDeletePraying for that sweet baby. May he be wrapped in love as he is in prayer.
So, so good. What a sweet truth.
ReplyDeleteAnd so we have all of it.
ReplyDeleteAmen. this is one of your best ever.
You've given voice to the sneaky thoughts that moms and thinking-about-becoming-moms have-- I am I enough? Do I have enough? What if I fail? Thank you for sharing about what really matters in motherhood. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you, I love this and I love your writing.
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry.
ReplyDeleteWow! This is so true and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteYup, yup, yup. LOVE this!
ReplyDeleteThis is great! Thank you. Love this so much.
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful. I love this.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. So so true!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. So so true!
ReplyDeleteI love this! Thank you
ReplyDeleteThis is great- thanks for sharing! There is so much pressure to have more 'stuff'. Children show us clearly that love is what they really need. It's the most important thing :)
ReplyDeleteFrancis is the king of babies because he has 6 brothers and sisters and you are the Queen of moms because you know what the real treasure is. Thank you for giving me something so uplifting to read today! So glad to hear from a woman who knows what she has is everything she wants.
ReplyDeleteThinking of that baby born alone breaks my heart. I have never thought of babies in that situation before... in my mind their adoptive parents are always there, waiting. But I guess that's all too often not the case.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post. Even more than recognizing that love is all you need, it the openness to see it. Some people never reach the point where they can accept that love is it, and you can have complete fulfillment from that alone. Not that life doesn't have its challenges. But moments can strike, and being fortunate enough to recognize them is a gift!
ReplyDeleteThe thought of a baby without the love of its mother makes me so sad! They are so innocent and the touch and love and smell of their mom is all they need (and some boob :))- I hope that baby finds some of that comfort. Thank you for helping!!
This is one of the greatest things I have ever read. Amen and amen.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog often and love your sense of humor and genuineness. This post made me cry, it's wonderfully written and so so true. Thank you for writing such a sweet post. I'm reading it right before work and it reminded me what's real.
ReplyDelete<3
ReplyDeleteSuch beautiful words! I can't tell you how often these same thoughts occur to me in the midst of feeling overwhelmed by perceived inadequacy. Thank you for writing this.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any kids yet, but I just love your big, wild, crazy, sweet brood! People sometimes gasp when I say "Five kids sounds nice." But coming from a large extended family and having three sisters, I always feel like it's just more love to give and receive. Love, love this post!
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